BobboEats

So as I have said before you don’t need to a thousand ingredients to make something sexy as shit…I actually prefer keeping things simple.  This comes in handy when you don’t have a lot of ingredients to work with as is and you need to be crafty.  Being crafty, is something that is not coachable…It’s something that you adapt to by learning from yours and other mistakes.  Like being crafty in the bedroom, is a skill that can’t be coached its’ something that you can develop over a period of time but you must pay attention…To me… there is very little difference between the bedroom and the kitchen in terms of prep (foreplay), Cook (Get it in), Plate & Serve (Orgasm) it’s what done in between these steps that separate you from everyone else…Am I saying I got what it takes…no, but god damn it I always give it my best shot.

Sorry, when I cook steak I get a little blood flow.  So naturally, when I came home the other night and Chester was all jacked up for me to cook some steak with one of my special sauces (I know what you are thinking perverts) I got all jacked up.  I took a quick glance at what I had to work with and this is what I came up with…So get yourself:

•          Shallot
•          Garlic
•          Steak of your choice
•          Red Wine
•          White Balsamic
•          Butter
•          Some choice spices (Salt & Pepper etc)
•          Sugar

No Strings attached Red Wine Reduction:

So the steak in the equation is technically the easiest part unless you are a fucking dope.  Get your broiler rocking out, and make sure you have a pan heating up in there…

In a medium sauce pan throw a nib nab of butter in there and slices of your shallot, I have a massive container of minced garlic that Chester was O SO proud about…This of course maneuvers around some of the “Prep” process, basically it’s like unsnapping a chicks bra with your mind.  Once you have everything in the sauce pan, I like to go ahead and add a little olive oil, really just to lubricate things a bit further… its one of those in between steps type attention we spoke about.   Make sure the heat is not too hot because your shallots and garlic with burn and foreplay will be over relatively quickly.  Add a little sugar to get everything caramelizing nicely together….I of course cannot help myself and my obsession with balsamic is my cross to bear, but go ahead and throw some white balsamic in there (that’s all I had, if you have regular balsamic go ahead and use that)…once that reduces a bit, make sure again you’re heat is not too hot, go ahead and add your red wine.  Once you throw that in there go ahead and turn the heat up so it can start reducing.  While all this is happening you are going to want to season up your steak and get that bitch in the oven…Depending on the thickness, which is NOT true in all aspects of life, will depend on long you keep it in…if you know what I mean…While the steak is cooking which should take about 4 – 5 minutes on each side you still need to tend to your sauce because we are now full blown in the “Cooking” stage…I noticed my sauces needed to be thickened up a bit so I added a little mustard and some kind of vinaigrette that was in the fridge, again tending to the in between steps…Continue to stir the sauce and just about as the steak is done so should the sauce.  Naturally, the next progression is getting off, so plate and server her up the best orgasm you can mustard…

O almost forgot.  Boil water, put rice in boiling water, stir occasionally still done.  If you need help with that, punch yourself in the face. 

So of course given the superstition surrounding Friday the 13^th, this evening couldn’t go without there being some controversy surrounding it.  Nothing that we couldn’t overcome and I do realize that I can be slightly stubborn at times especially when it comes to entertaining.  My thought process is if you’re going to do it, do it fucking right…If you half ass something you’ll end up getting your ass kicked and I don’t like getting my ass kicked.

So basically the story goes, Chester was a little worried about a few things, 1^st being the amount of people that were invited.  2^nd if I was cooking for a large group, which apparently was not the purpose of the party which we will get into later and 3^rd He didn’t want me behind the stove all night…which is reasonable and understandable request.  But I guess, if you tell people there will be food, well…you need to make sure you have some fucking food.  Here is a little more regarding my perspective on shit…I hate waiting in lines for bars or even worse a “clubs”.   This is not a pride thing, I do not think I’m better than anyone; I just hate waiting in a line to get drunk when the bar down the street’s beer taste exactly the same as the bar you’re waiting in line for.  The point of the story is that anyone can go ahead and have a house/apt party…But you come to our party because we provide much more than just booze, we provide an experience or a sense of hospitality that you don’t just get anywhere.  I have a standard and it would keep me up at night if I didn’t meet that standard.

Alright…Enough of all that, this is how we broke down this bitch down in order of appearance.

Evan Almost bailed on his Chips and Guac:

•          Avocado
•          Jalapeño
•          Red pepper
•          Shallot
•          Lime

No bullshit, I prepped everything a head of time so that I would not get yelled at for making a mess…I had everything right there for him to bang this out and for a few minutes, I thought he was going to bail on what has become a staple at every party that we have.  Since Evan is part Mexican it only makes sense for him to make the gauc.  I mean, we want things rustic and traditional, so why not have a real Mexican make the gauc…Makes sense to me at least…And as usual, Dribble came thru in the clutch, he  molested the shit out of those avocados turning our one helluva guacamole.

Thought I was a genius again Bacon Cheese Burger Wontons:

•          Ground Beef
•          Wontons
•          Onion
•          Garlic
•          Bacon
•          Egg
•          Greek yogurt

I am always trying to push my creativity in the kitchen especially for when we have get together such as this.  I started with the whole wonton idea back when I thought I was a fucking genius and invented French onion soup dumplings.  Clearly, they have been done before and apparently so have Bacon Cheese burger wontons… again; I found out that someone else has thought of these.  Basically, what you do here is start sautéing your beef with some onions and garlic, if you want to put some other shit in there be my guest.  Once the beef is just about fully cooked, take it off the heat and drain the oil out of it.  While you are cooking your beef, place your wontons in a cup cake tray and put them in the oven which should be at 350 degrees.  This is to shape them into little cups obviously.  I burnt the fuck out of the first ones I did so make sure you pay attention and you don’t leave them in too long.  When you’re done with that put those aside and put the ground beef back on the heat and add a couple of eggs and a few healthy spoonfuls of Greek yogurt.  As a side note, the egg and yogurt were not part of the original plan, it was something I just kind of did to see how it would all pan out…which was pretty fucking sexy…just sayin.  But you’re not done yet…Place your molded wontons on a cooking sheet and add that beef to each hole if you catch my drift…Then once your done being perverted go ahead and individually top each wonton with a cheese of your choosing…and throw her back in the oven to get finished off…

Then go ahead and top it off with some ketchup or get creative with a ketchup garlic aioli like I did…   

Always Tasty BBQ Shrimp Quesadillas:

•          Shrimp
•          Cheddar Cheese
•          Shallots
•          Tortillas
•          Greek Yogurt

I know I have made these several times before so I will not get too crazy with the description here because they are also pretty self explanatory…and if you don’t know how to make a quesadilla; well we have some bigger issues.  All you need to do is get some fresh shrimp, Sautee those fuckers up with some oil, garlic and shallots.  I used white balsamic this time which was tasty and then added some sweet baby rays BBQ sauce which really sexes things up if you ask me.  In a medium pan, layout your tortillas, add your cheese then throw a little sex on top…Once the cheese starts to melt turn that baby over to finisher her off…I always like to serve this with greek yogurt but of course please feel free to do it up with sour cream.

Sex in The Mouth Bacon Crostinis with a Garlic Aioli:

•          Bacon
•          French Bread
•          Tetilla Cheese
•          Lemon
•          Oil
•          Egg

This my friend is what I was most excited about…It gave me a little blood flow the first time I had this, so naturally I cannot claim that I came up with this, but I can assure you it was sexy as shit.  What you gotta do is in an oven throw a whole mess of bacon on a cooking sheet.  We are not trying to make our bacon crispy, we actually want to cook it to a nice medium.   But even before we get into all that noise, you gotta make your Garlic Aioli.  Making an aioli from scratch just show you the kind of dedication I bring to the table for these types of get togethers.  Basically, I got a little carried away and used like 8 egg yolks when I probably only needed 3 or 4.  What that meant is, I had to whip the shit our of those fuckers for a LONG ass time…good thing as of late my forearms strength is in good condition if you know what I mean…So I had the stamina to power thru this.  While you are whipping those eggs into shape you want to be slowly, but consistently adding oil.  Additionally you want to throw some salt, pepper and garlic powder in there…But to really escalate my game I went ahead and took a garlic bulb wrapped her in tin foil and put her in the oven for about 45 minutes until she, well creamed up a bit.  Right around the time this occurs, your aioli should be half way complete so go ahead and add the now garlic paste into the aioli with some oil and continue to whip the shit out of it until it comes to a nice thick consistency that we are all familiar with. 

Once you’re done, you should have toasted your slices of French bread and gingerly layered 2 pieced of bacon on top with some tetilla cheese in the middle and then a shot of the garlic aioli on top to seal the deal.     

While we had a few bumps in the road and disagreements in terms of how we should approach this evening all was good and I believe everyone had a great time.  I technically only made the dishes so I was out from behind the stove relatively early and tried to split my pants whenever I saw the opportunity to do so.  

 If you have had at any point in time some type of relationship with me, I most likely have made you eggs…If your are female, this most likely occurred in the AM or Late night…In the likely event you did not have a pleasurable sexual experience is irrelevant…because you know damn well made it up in the AM with a quickie and eggs…Naturally, women are not the only ones that have experience my breakfast but also the dudes that Chad brings home…Which I am more than happy to cook for.

As many of you already know, Evan (not to be confused as my partner) has an issue with eggs.  Much like I have an issue with bacon, his addition to eggs at times could land him on TLC’s: My Strange Addiction.  So when we got home last night and Evan was so eager to share his egg’s with me…I immediately thought something was up.  I guess the bottom line is…Don’t fuck with Dribbles Eggs.  So believe me, I tread softly because I tread on his eggs.  So naturally, knowing all of this…what do I go and do…I fuck up his eggs.  But don’t fret, I’m an athlete…I made it work.

  Evan’s Potentially Violated Egg White Omelet:

There were definitely a few liberties taken by Evan when he “beat” these egg whites up.  Also, I just wanted to note that 6 egg whites were used with 2 yolks.  Basically, I started out trying to make an omelet, I had some capicola, provolone, fresh tomato and broccoli.  I heated up a medium sized pan (not an omelet pan) with some oil so it would not stick…I started out sautéing the the capicola with chopped tomatoes and broccoli.  Part of the secret to my eggs is the fact that I like to beat the ever loving shit out of them…I like to get a lot of air in them to make them as fluffy as possible…Trust me, pay attention to the little things not just in cooking but you know…other things as well.

I immediately knew once I poured the eggs in I was fucked.  I also don’t like cooking my eggs on high heat.  I like to essentially slow cook them.  But for this gigantic omelet I had to turn the heat a little high than usual.  This of course fucked everything for me and I was unable flip the egg’s because now the pan was too small for the amount of ingredients I had…These things will happen.  So, I had to make a game time decision…I either had to risk further fucking up the omelet or turn this bitch into scrambled eggs…I went with scrambled eggs and thank god Evan forgave me for my transgressions against his eggs.  But naturally, being the athlete I am I was able to recover and provide him with a quality product.  He of course used up all of the salsa and crushed his eggs with hot sauce…But I was just happy to wake up breathing this morning…

Worthy of a one nightstand scrambled eggs:

One thing about cooking for others, especially eggs you can always learn from your mistakes.   So if you fucked up the first batch at least you know what you did and can correct your mistake so your batch comes out sexy.  In this case, I learned from my mistake and knew not to even fucking try the omelet route.  Using the same ingredients expect for the broccoli that Evan so desperately love’s, I put together a scramble egg that any women who participated in a one nightstand would appreciate.  I turned the heat up for sautéing the tomatoes and capicola, once those were heated up I turned the heat back down and threw my eggs in that I also beat the shit out of…I constantly sift my eggs and put those bitches in different positions.   Once I am comfortable on the temperature and see the eggs coming together I then added my provolone to the mix…You do not want to overcook the eggs, so there is a period when they are still slightly runny but can be taken off the direct heat because the heat of the pan will finish them off…if you know what I mean.

Is it tough to fuck eggs up yes, it is…Is it possible yes it is, if you are fucking up can they be saved…Yes they can.  I definitely take pride in my eggs because I am patience.  This of course transcends into all aspects of my life…I have noticed that when you try to rush anything you have a greater chance of fucking it up.  So remember, take your time…Don’t rush, the more attentive you are and the more effort you put in the better the product will come out.  But patience and being attentive to how the eggs are reacting to the heat will be your biggest challenge.  Happy Hunting.   

So, I have always said that when I reproduce with some lucky female one day I am going to obviously produce a total athlete, boy or girl it doesn’t matter.  God, I know will also bless me and this female with very attractive children who will obviously grow up to be very attractive young adults.  This creates an issue for me, because something tells me like Wayne Gretzky (I am not comparing myself to him, I just simply feel his pain) I am going to have a smoking hot daughter.  This of course is going to cause an extreme amount anxiety for me and is part of the reason why I have started building up a personal arsenal of weapons. 

With that being said, while I do not have this smoking hot daughter yet, I do have a young beautiful cousin who well, drives the boys crazy.  Not to mention, she win beauty pageants on the reg…No big deal.  And while I cannot intervene in her life I can only provide guidance and give her a heads up on what most men are really like.  She lives in Florida, so it tough for me to walk around with a shot gun to make sure shit is Kosher. 

But enough about my insecurities…Jennifer was in the city for spring break and it was Salmon Wednesday so I of course naturally invited her over to let me cook for her!  She walks in looking beautiful and I start thinking of the cat calls that she probably got on the street on her way over, but again…there is nothing that I can do about it…

So, I didn’t tell her what I was making for dinner…but naturally it turns out…A. she doesn’t like salmon.  And B. she doesn’t like mushrooms.  Both of which are my two key ingredients.  Total bonehead move on my part…but that doesn’t mean it didn’t come out dope…here is out it went down:

Get yourself:

• Salmon
• Garlic clove
• White balsamic
• Portebella mushroom caps
• Orzo
• Light cream or milk
• Parm
• Onion
• Salt & pepper
• Tin foil
• Fresh tomatoes
• Olive oil

Don’t look at my cousin baked Salmon:

So, my cousin doesn’t like Salmon but I know Evan does…So we went ahead and did our thing anyhow…Don’t worry I didn’t leave out.  Basically, what you need to do is get your oven pre-heated to 350.  Get your tin foil out, season your salmon; chop up some fresh garlic, onions and tomatoes.  Dump that on top of the salmon and add some olive oil and white balsamic.  Close that up and throw it into the oven…This is pretty straight forward and pretty much impossible to fuck up.  You are going to want to check in on it from time to time, roughly 10 minutes or 15 minutes after you put it in…Depends on how large the salmon is.  In a medium sauces pan I took some olive oil and started cooking my portabella mushroom caps and naturally had to add a little while balsamic to that as well.  Once those are cooked then you are going to slice them up into strips or do whatever you want to serve them…

Kind of like mac & cheese Orzo:

What I did here was I naturally, got some water boiling and cooked up my orzo.  In a medium sauce pan I heated up some milk.  I let the milk reduce quite a bit and added a shit load of Parm to really bring things to the next level.  Once you have a nice creamy consistency I then added my orzo to the sauce a mixed everything up.   So while that is all going on, take one of the portabella mushroom caps that you previously cooked and mince it up real good and add to the fun…Orzo, Cheese, Mushrooms – straight sex in the mouth.

Weak ass frozen Burger:

Well, we have frozen burger in my freezer.  My cousin doesn’t like mushroom or salmon, so I was pretty much fucked.  I made her and Chad frozen burgers with cheddar cheese on whole wheat toast.  I mean hey is she going to write home about it…No but she was happy and that is what I here to do…

As you will notice with a lot of my dishes I try to maximize the use of a lot of the ingredients that I purchase.  i.e. Mushrooms for the salmon and Orzo, or white balsamic for the mushrooms and salmon.  Basically it’s just a matter of being resourceful with the tool that you got.  So once everything came together, I plated the orzo and laid the portabella mushroom on top and threw the salmon on top of that…Once it the best meal I ever created…No…But it was pretty damn tasty and it is always good to see my cousin so the outcome didn’t really matter…I noticed Evan cleaned his plate so I did something right. 

Also…Notice Evan’s foot in this picture…Again

Yea…I’m brining sexy salmon Wednesday’s back.  Not going to lie last night I got real dirty with it and really whipped up something pretty fucking special If you ask me.  Last night and for the past several nights, this 28 years old body for the first time actually has been feeling like a 28 years old.  I know I am not invincible even tho sometimes I still act like it…but put it this way, last night was the first time I came home and had to put myself down for a nap as if I was 5.

Waking up to the soothing and surprisingly quite Mr. Brady, I was convenience to go to the grocery story.  Given my current state of mind, I wanted to know exactly what we would get when we got to eliminate the ass grabbing that typically occurs.  When proposing items to cook, it was clear salmon was the correct choice especially given the fact it was Wednesday… So check it this is how I’m bringing sexy back…

Get yourself:

•          Salmon
•          Garlic
•          Orzo
•          White balsamic
•          Salad
•          Asparagus
•          Olive oil
•          Parm
•          Choice spices
•          BBQ Sauce

So let’s just face it…The center piece of this dinner is the salmon.  That doesn’t mean you want to go ahead and fuck the sides up and look like a jerk.  It just means…This shit got real sexy real quick so I don’t need you getting distracted because just like if that’s your girl you better watch your back, because those sides could burn it up for you and that’s a fact.

She looks like Sex Salmon:

It was just Dribble and I this evening and should the title of this dish be Romantic Salmon for 2…probably.  But it’s not so deal.  I started off with mincing some garlic and placing the salmon in tin foil.  I got my oven pre-heated to 350 and seasoned up the salmon with salt, pepper, garlic powder, then added olive oil and garlic.  Because I there that bitch in the oven, I opened up some white balsamic which I gingerly poured over everything and then sealed her up and popped it in the oven.

ONCE I threw her in the oven, I had a medium sauce pan going with a little bit of olive oil (only because I didn’t have butter) and I added a good amount of Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce.  Then a dab of mustard, and to just get your dick wet threw some white balsamic in there…I was feeling a little under the weather, hence the nap so I made sure everything I was cooking on this evening had a healthy portion of garlic.  Everything should be happening in sequence, so right as that sauce its coming together, the salmon should be on its way to being half way cooked.  After about 15 minutes (my oven sucks) take out the salmon, open that girl up go ahead smother the shit out of her with the White balsamic BBQ sauce.  Spread everything around and then put her back in the oven to finisher her off…I’m not going to tell you how to plate this, because that should go unsaid.

Won’t Get it Done Orzo:

So I love orzo…And I like to feel like I make a damn good orzo.  However, I kind of fucked this up.  Get some water boiling and use about a cup of orzo once it starts boiling.  If you have chicken stalk or anything of that nature, this will come in handy as it is a flavor enhancer and it keeps the consistency of the orzo fluid rather than clumped together (which happened to me).

Once the orzo was done, which is basically a pasta, I drained it, threw it back in the sauce pan and added some olive oil, salt, pepper, Italian seasoning and parm.  If your roommate is a fitness freak or your chick is already a little nervous about eating carbs, I highly recommend that you hide the fact that you threw about a pound of parm into the orzo…This happens all the time to Evan and he typically has NO idea that I just sexed the shit out of a dish with some parm…Typically, they will have no idea unless you get caught…I thought I almost got caught, but he never said anything.  Because if you get caught then what happens is, the next time, they hawk eye you and potentially could ruin the fun.  Just a thought.

Simply Dribbles Asparagus:

I don’t eat asparagus…As a child I was forced to and it totally fucked me up and is still baggage I hold on to, to this very day…Fucked up I know.  But either way, Evan and I are having a romantic dinner and I know how he love asparagus,  so I wanted to accommodate.  I did nothing crazy at all, just added olive oil and garlic to a medium pan with some salt and pepper…Make sure you put the asparagus in first and its on hot heat then add the garlic a few moments after because you don’t want to burn the garlic…Because not only will your pee smell but so will your house.  I will admit tho, I can’t remember the last time I ate asparagus…but I didn’t actually mind it at all…So it came out good and something I might start indulging in myself.

Don’t Toss my Salad – Salad:  

This is pretty simple.  All I used was red leaf lettuce…keeps your regular if you know what I mean.  You can of course get nuts and add whatever it that you kids like to add these days, but its not about the extras…its about the salad dressing.  Naturally, White Balsamic being the theme, in a bowl I added the white balsamic with Oilive oil, garlic, salt, pepper, parm and mustard…Mixed those together to make a sexual little on the fly salad dressing and ever so gently pour over the delicate red leaf lettuce.  Once you toss your own god damn salad you are ready to go!

All in all I was disappointed with the orzo cuz I didn’t have any chicken stock…But over all the salmon straight up brought sexy back…Enjoy.  Also…forgiven me for the rendering of this pic. But thank god Evan cut his toe nails…